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MRI Reveals Jamal Lewis Sucks

Ravens head coach Brian Billick said on Wednesday that an MRI on Jamal Lewis has revealed that he sucks at football.

“This is a devastating blow to our football team,” said Billick. “First, we lose Ed Reed and Ray Lewis to injury, and now doctors are telling me my best offensive player sucks. I suppose we’ll move on, but this is a tough one to swallow.”

Many believe Lewis, who was named the 2003 Offensive Player of the Year by the Associated Press after becoming the fifth back in history to rush for over 2,000 yards, has been sucking ass all season. Lewis, 26, has rushed for just 326 yards and one touchdown this season, an average of just 2.9 yards per carry.

The MRI reportedly revealed a third-degree separation of Lewis’ former skill from his current body, as well as an inflamed ego and strained running speed. Lewis’ strength was also found to be significantly weakened, and his attitude was found to be irregular. His vision and ability to hit cut-back lanes was virtually non-existent.

“I’ve known something was wrong since week one. He just hasn’t been the same,” said backup running back Chester Taylor. “I thought maybe his offseason prison sentence had something to do with it, but I guess he actually just sucks. It’s really too bad.”

Dr. Andrew Tucker, head team physician for the Ravens, said Lewis had been exhibiting signs of sucking all season, but the MRI revealed the full extent of his lameness.

“This appears to be a classic case of a running back having a serious lack of skill. The symptoms were all there – dancing around behind the line of scrimmage rather than hitting the holes hard, visible loss of speed and strength, a lackadaisical attitude, and not being able to shed tackles – but we were holding out hope that Jamal could play through it. Sadly, that no longer appears to be the case.”


Billick initially believed that Lewis might just be going through a slump after X-Rays came back negative on Monday, but the MRI confirmed the team’s worst fears.

“Yep, it’s right there in black and white. Or, actually, on that see-through filmy stuff MRIs are printed on. Jamal Lewis sucks. That’s my official diagnosis,” continued Tucker.

Lewis hopes to avoid season-ending and career-threatening surgery to repair his injured career, and said he will seek a second opinion from renowned orthopedist Dr. James Andrews.

“I hate to say it, but Jamal is screwed,” said Andrews from his clinic in Birmingham, AL. “The dude couldn’t run for 100 yards against my son’s peewee football team. Christ, pick your hole and run through it. It’s not that hard. I’ll take a gander at the MRI, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

“Unfortunately, this has all the markings of career-threatening crappiness,” said Billick. “If we thought we could fix Jamal with a little rest and rehab, trust me, we’d do it. You just hate to see something like this happen to a good kid. Horse**** football player, but good kid.”

The Ravens hope Lewis can make a full recovery and Billick even pointed out the case of Thomas Jones, who was found to completely suck just two years ago, but who worked his way back to greatness after being traded to the Chicago Bears. For every Jones, however, there is a Michael Bennett. And suckiness has ruined the careers of such players as Ahman Green and Joey Harrington in the last three weeks alone.

In fact, Lewis’ injured talent is not the worst injury to have struck the Ravens this season. Kyle Boller’s career ended earlier this season when X-Rays revealed a broken psyche, ruptured expectations, and a the inability to read defenses after a week one loss to the Colts.

“With Kyle, the writing was pretty much on the wall,” said Tucker. “That guy has sucked since day one. With Jamal, he was obviously once a very good player, but he’s just gotten ****tier and ****tier as the season has progressed. It’s tragic, really.”

Team doctors are now concerned about an epidemic of suckiness permeating the entire Ravens organization. They pointed to the team’s defense and coach Billick’s inability to keep his players from committing penalties and assaulting referees as primary symptoms that the entire organization might suck from top to bottom.

“We’re hoping for the best, but it doesn’t look good,” said Tucker.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v693/lordthundergod/lmao.gif)   (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v693/lordthundergod/thumbsup.gif)

LMFAO.....that was a great comedic read. Nice work!!!!!  ;D

That is funny...where'd you grab that?

^^^

Its not from The Onion. I looked.

D_B...If its original, that's friggin awesome, and you should submit it to The Onion.

I wasn't dogging D_B about the post...I thought it was funny as hell. I was just curious who wrote it. The spoof didn't read like the D_B we all know and...are annoyed by, up here on these boards.  ;)

Is that an original piece, D_B?

I didnt think you were dogging him.

http://www.sportsgoons.com/volume3/Vol3_Iss31/MRI_Jamal_Lewis.htm

Here is the original source.