What makes a good father?

[MaineDolFan]

The quote was from that movie, not my words.  I think it has merit, however.  You're a different case than a 20-21 year old.  As a 32 year old woman - you have your life in motion.  Think back to the thoughts you had 10-12 years ago.  I know, personally, some of mine make me shudder.  So no, kids don't "just happen."  But the spirit of that quote is that one day you wake up and life has fast forwarded a little.  You made all the choices that you could.  But the way your life unfolded at 35 years old isn't always the way you expected it to when you were 21.  Hence the "where did they come from, they weren't here last time I checked."

I'm almost 17 years removed from college life but if I close my eyes I can think back on those days as though it were yesterday.  Sometimes I still feel like that confused college kid but yet here I am - a man with a wife, daughter and a real world mortgage.  I wouldn't trade it for the world, but life whizzes by fast.

When I was 12 I remember vividly saying I would never drink one beer.  When I was 16, after having beer, I remember vividly saying I would never try pot.  I also remember being that bad boy with his silly little motorcycle, three or four girls that all thought THEY were my girlfriend, and what I thought was "freedom" thinking "I'll never get married."  I, like SC, thought that I didn't want kids.

Sometimes you can't map out your life.

[SCFinFan]

Not to hijack this thread, but there are a few reasons I said what I said:

1) as I get older, I'm noticing a larger and larger disconnect between my emotions and my relationships... I am beginning to wonder if I can even fall in love anymore.

2) I just broke up with a girl who really wanted a future with me. Don't get me wrong, it was her decision to end it, not mine... but I won't get back together with her.

3) I find that, when I am alone and without a firmly planted relationship, I'm happier than when I'm in one. I do not mind the lack of sex, because even if I got in a relationship I probably wouldn't do that as per my beliefs, and if I were to start up doing that, I do not think I'd enjoy it much. My conscience would bug me.

I will say, however, Maine's correct. There's something empty about a life filled with neither children or devotion...

[landlocked]

Ah youth......we WANT this and DON'T WANT that.Me!Me!Me!My life!I'll do what I want when i get damn good and ready!It's all about ME.lol,funny what happens when the ol' love bug bites.....and how all of our perspective changes.

[Buddhagirl]

Sometimes you can't map out your life.

I do agree with this statement. However, it irks me that when anyone says anything about kids, the first thing they say is wait until you're older. As if children are inevitable and there is no way to avoid them.

[MaineDolFan]

^^I generally think that when a woman says "I don't ever want kids" I have a tendency to put more weight behind that other than when a young man says it.

As Landlocked says, men's direction in life a lot of time is swayed by the love of a woman.  A young man doesn't want kids.  He mets his dream girl.  She really does want kids.  Next thing you know, he's thinking in other directions.

Buddha you need to understand something:  no matter what ANYONE says the reply is, generally, "wait until you're older."  It starts as a little kid.  When you're 5 boys are gross.  Adults say "that'll change, wait until you're older."  When you're in school and filled with throughts of idealism and not wanting to make money a professor will say "that'll change, wait until you're older."

The fact is this: time is life's greatest lesson.  A huge amount of younger men and women have that "I never want kids" thought process.  And, judging by the world's population, that doesn't stay true to course...as they get older.

Age changes life persective. 

[Brians Stalker]

Maine, I get what you are saying and I didn't mean to make it sound like I thought you were completely wrong.  There are a ton of people out there who say they will/won't do something and then end up doing exactly the opposite of what they say - whether it is by choice or not.  I agree with Buddha though, it seems like with children in particular, when someone says that they aren't having any, people brush it off and tell them to wait until things change in their lives.  That was the only thing I was trying to address about your post. 

SC - Life can be empty without children or devotion?  Says who?  Devotion could be very broad in this instance.  Maybe someone doesn't ever fall in love or have children, but their life is devoted to helping other people, or teaching them, or whatever.  Did Mother Teresa lead an empty life?  I doubt that she felt that way.

Stroke - Yeah, I agree that there will probably be some regrets at the end of it all, but I don't think that mine will revolve around not having children.  However, I can see how it would for some people.  I think that my situation is different because even though we don't have children of our own, we have 27 (and counting!) nieces and nephews.  We are close to most of them and are very involved in their lives.  We have a strong sense of family, and I feel like that support will be there with me forever, so I think that makes it more difficult for me to think that I will have regrets about not having kids. 

[MaineDolFan]

I will say, however, Maine's correct. There's something empty about a life filled with neither children or devotion...

I didn't say that!  I know people that are single and don't have kids and don't plan on changing that what so ever and are very happy in life.  Inner peace doesn't have to come with attachments.

All I am saying is that as time goes by, thoughts change.  That's all!  I will be very curious as to where you are in life, in the  regard to kids, in 10-15 years.  It might be the same, it might not - I am not swaying either way.

I think it's important to note that I am not sitting here saying "Ha!  Let's see how many you have when you're 40!"  I am saying "that's interesting, and you might still feel that way all your life.  Or it might change.  You're a young man, I would be curious to see how it shakes out."

[run_to_win]

When you're in school and filled with throughts of idealism and not wanting to make money a professor will say "that'll change, wait until you're older."

What fanatical right-wing institution of higher learning did you attend?  In my region it's the professors who are idealistic.

[SCFinFan]

I didn't say that!  I know people that are single and don't have kids and don't plan on changing that what so ever and are very happy in life.  Inner peace doesn't have to come with attachments.

All I am saying is that as time goes by, thoughts change.  That's all!  I will be very curious as to where you are in life, in the  regard to kids, in 10-15 years.  It might be the same, it might not - I am not swaying either way.

I think it's important to note that I am not sitting here saying "Ha!  Let's see how many you have when you're 40!"  I am saying "that's interesting, and you might still feel that way all your life.  Or it might change.  You're a young man, I would be curious to see how it shakes out."

Oh, alright. My bad.

SC - Life can be empty without children or devotion?  Says who?  Devotion could be very broad in this instance.  Maybe someone doesn't ever fall in love or have children, but their life is devoted to helping other people, or teaching them, or whatever.  Did Mother Teresa lead an empty life?  I doubt that she felt that way.   

Well, says me. I'm just stating my opinion, not an eternal law. I should've been clearer about that though. I agree with how you're defining "devotion" and I meant it to be that broad, though within reason.

[Brian Fein]

Wow way to derail this thread.  A good discussion about what makes a good father has turned into a debate over who wants and doesn't want kids.  Nicely done.

[Defense54]

 

Defense - you said that you think some people will regret not having children when it is time to die. Why do you think they will regret it?

I can't answer for sure of course. But my assumption would be when leaving this earth to leave nothing behind would be a huge regret. In my line of work I've come across older people who are alone and its the saddest thing I can imagine.  I've been called to Old age homes or even private homes where people have passed and to see the way they live , alone each day craving for anyone to speak to , to relive past memories and experiences with .  then I see my parents who are approaching 80 and its the highlight of any day to spend time with my 2 little boys.  They talk about the past a bit, they are happy to see me doing well in my career and I think it gives them a sense of accomplishment to see what they have created.

Again I have all the respect in the world for those that don't want children. I see far too many that have and do not live up to the responsibility that it takes to raise a child. But for me it would have been a huge regret to not have had my two boys. Someone to share my Dolphin games with , someone to watch grow up with the qualities hopefully I have instilled in them.

The one big regret I have now is I feel very vulnerable now. Before I had my Kids it was basically me against the world. I was untouchable. Now I have these two little Boys and I swear if anything happened to them I don't know what I would do. That vulnerability can really change you. But anything worthwhile isn't easy. And raising kids is anything but easy..........but thats life I guess.

  No statements or any opinions . No one is right or wrong here. This is completely up to the person and how they feel.  Thats just how I feel and that and $0.25 will get you a phone call. 

[Defense54]

Wow way to derail this thread.  A good discussion about what makes a good father has turned into a debate over who wants and doesn't want kids.  Nicely done.

If You think about it........It really is a huge part in being a good Dad no?  I know a guy who got surprised at age 16 with a son and actually he turned out to be a pretty good dad considering the circumstances. It happens. But I've seen alot of those go bad as well.   But if you can make a conscious decision to be a good dad , planning it with the right Person,  or just deciding weather or not you want one at all.........all of that goes a LONG way to be a good dad. And listening to others suggestions and experiences about why or why not they want to become a dad can also help you realize what  it is that's important to you for making such an important decision and helping you overall become a better father.

This is just not a 1 Topic kind of Topic. This one you need to allow for several other factors that help make a good father.

[SCFinFan]

Wow way to derail this thread.  A good discussion about what makes a good father has turned into a debate over who wants and doesn't want kids.  Nicely done.

Yeah, my bad. Sorry.

[Brian Fein]

Yeah, my bad. Sorry.

Nope, not pointing fingers, but I was actually interested in finding out what makes a good father (since everyone seems to think I would) and I have yet to get my information from this thread.

[Philly Fin Fan]

Nope, not pointing fingers, but I was actually interested in finding out what makes a good father (since everyone seems to think I would) and I have yet to get my information from this thread.

In my opinion, being a good Dad means you know when to be your childs best friend and playmate, but you also know when to be the disciplinarian and don't forget that you are the adult and make the decisions.

Yesterday afternoon, after Josh got home from school, he really wanted to play Star Wars with me. We went outside and had a lightsaber duel which was so awesome and huge that it would make any Star Wars fan think it was scripted by George Lucas himself. The battle was grueling and lasted nearly an hour, making us both work up appetites. I was Josh's best friend (or sworn enemy as the case may be) for that hour. When we went in to wash up and eat dinner, Josh didn't want to eat his dinner, and just wanted dessert. I knew that I had to turn into Dad at that point and make sure he ate his dinner.