A question about marriage,for married people

[bsfins]

I went to a BBQ ....a get together...a Picnic with some friends/acquaintances  (it was WAaaay too windy,we ended up doing KFC)  today,and a couple of the people mentioned they've been married once,and they wont do it again...One person said they wouldn't rule it out again,but it's probably not likely.A couple other acquaintances I know have that same type of attitude.The two most adamant ones,were both married more than 5 years,and said they thought they found the right one...The other said he was just too young,not ready to get married.

I've always said,I'll be married once...and even now I have serious doubts I'll ever get married once...

If for what ever reason,you got a divorce,would you consider getting remarried? or is once enough?

Do you think when (age wise) you got married would matter?

From my experience,it seems to be people that got married pretty young,and divorced tend to be more open to remarry.People that seem to wait till they're older tend to be the ones that say...Nope,I'm done with marriage...

Sorry I don't mean to be a downer....

[BoSoxGrl]

I got married when I was 28 and I will never do it again even if for some strange reason Fau and I divorce but we have not made that an option in our marriage.  BUT if it were and one of us were to take that option, I wouldn't remarry.

I honestly think (especially people who get married young) that they get wrapped up in the fairytale wedding and fail to realize there is an entire marriage after that 1 day.  And marriage is a full time job that you don't get to leave after 5 PM.

[Dave Gray]

Marriage sucks pretty bad.  It has advantages, of course, but it's also tiresome to have every decision have to satisfy two people.

If you want to have dinner, you have what you want, when you want...as much or as little, eat in or out, at whatever price you choose.  When you're married, that decision has to work for both of you.  And if you have kids, it compounds.  That works with almost everything in life, for the rest of your life.  It becomes tedious.  So, I can see why people who are married would say that they wouldn't do it again, if they tasted freedom once more.  However, I don't think you can say that until you're in the situation.  ...because being single sucks pretty bad too.

[Pappy13]

Marriage is real simple for me, just find 2 people that understand that a marriage only works when both people work at it.

I got married the first time when I was 21, my wife was 18. It only lasted a few years. The reason we got divorced was not that we were too young, it was that she wasn't willing to work at it. We really didn't have any problems that couldn't have been solved and I was more than willing to work on those problems, but once one person decides it's not worth working on the problems, there's absolutely nothing that can be done to save the marriage.

I know this because of my second marriage. My 2nd wife and I have been married for over 20 years now and we have worked through far tougher problems than my first marriage ever had to deal with. The reason we have made it 20 years is because neither of us gave up on the marriage.

Every decision doesn't have to satisfy both people, in fact many times it won't, however both people must be willing to not be satisifed from time to time. Both must simply decide that this time you will go with a decision that's not perfect for one and the next time the other person will have to sacrifice a bit. It's a give and take. As long as both are willing to give and take equally, it will work. If both aren't willing to give and take equally, it won't.

So it's not really a question about marriage itself, it's a question about the people getting married. I wouldn't let one failed marriage influence the decision to get remarried. It worked for me, it can work for others, but I was willing to work at it. If you're not willing to work at it, then why get married in the first place?

[AZ Fins Fan 55]

If I ever got divorced I doubt I would do it again. I have always said that I would only get married once. Mainly because I figure that when I did it it would be for good. So far so good    My wife and I have a great relationship and I think the difference is we obviously were older when we decided to do it unlike a lot of our friends who were married in their early twenties and are all now getting divorced. I think we both got our "party days/adventures" out of the way before we decided to settle down. In this day and age I have seen very few marriages last in people who got married in their early twenties or before. I think that is a huge factor.

[bsfins]

I appreciate the insight....(erased some other Psychology 101 B.S. that would bore the hell out of you...) I don't know,I suck at relationships...

[CF DolFan]

I was 21 when I got married and my wife 19 and we have been married since 1990. I know a few more couples who married around the same time and are still together. One was even 9 months pregnant when they graduated.  I also know a bunch who have been married and divorced since then.

It seems to me that it can be almost predictable as to who will stay together ... if you know them fairly well. You can look at their priorities that they have set. If they are similar then it has a pretty good chance but if either party is hoping the other will change once married then it is pretty much doomed. If they put an unhealthy priority on their physical appearance its almost a certainty that they are headed for disaster. 

I'll say this ... we have 18 girls on my daughter's soccer team and only two have divorced parents. It isn't a coincidence that those are also the kids whose parents always seem to find a reason of why they cannot be there. To say narcicism is part of the issue would be like saying the engine is a part of a car. Anyone who feels that they are the most important person in any relationship is setting themselves, and their partners, for a rough time. 

It really doesn't matter who decides where you eat, what you watch, or how you spend your Saturday as long as when the time comes and one person really "feels" either way, that the other gives in. 

BTW ... if my wife flipped out and ran off with the pool boy tomorrow I'd get married again. I would hate not having the intimacy I share with my wife. That's not something anyone of best friends could ever fill.

[fyo]

I think *part* of having a great relationship is not insisting on something you don't give a crap about when it comes right down to it. Without going all Scott Adams, I think it's safe to say that most of us don't *really* care about most things that come up in a relationship. E.g. if my wife wanted floral pattern plates, why the f*ck should I argue about it when I don't really care. Odds are, I wouldn't be thrilled about the design, but if it meant something to her, well, she gets to decide then. (Hurray for stereotyping there).

That's one thing I think my wife and I are really good at; letting the one who really cares make the decision -- without "keeping score". That's probably another big no-no. People who do that never seem to be happy in a relationship that they don't dominate.

[Pappy13]

Marriage though is only 1/2 or 1/3 the equation. The other parts of that equation are kids (if you choose to have them) and your work in my humble opinion. Most of the issues that my wife and I have worked through revolved around the kids and/or work/money in some form or fashion. Even those issues are really an issue of time. Being married with children and holding down a full time job can take up close to 100% of your time day in and day out. That leaves very little time for yourself and that means that something is going to get short changed. What gets short changed and how you deal with that is key. You simply won't have the time to focus as much attention on every part of your life that you would really like. Likewise your spouse won't either. That means that not only do you have to juggle your time effectively, your spouse must agree on how you juggle your time. That's extremely difficult to do and for some it's more than they can handle.

[masterfins]

Marriage is real simple for me, just find 2 people that understand that a marriage only works when both people work at it.

I got married the first time when I was 21, my wife was 18. It only lasted a few years. The reason we got divorced was not that we were too young, it was that she wasn't willing to work at it. We really didn't have any problems that couldn't have been solved and I was more than willing to work on those problems, but once one person decides it's not worth working on the problems, there's absolutely nothing that can be done to save the marriage.

I know this because of my second marriage. My 2nd wife and I have been married for over 20 years now and we have worked through far tougher problems than my first marriage ever had to deal with. The reason we have made it 20 years is because neither of us gave up on the marriage.

Every decision doesn't have to satisfy both people, in fact many times it won't, however both people must be willing to not be satisifed from time to time. Both must simply decide that this time you will go with a decision that's not perfect for one and the next time the other person will have to sacrifice a bit. It's a give and take. As long as both are willing to give and take equally, it will work. If both aren't willing to give and take equally, it won't.

So it's not really a question about marriage itself, it's a question about the people getting married. I wouldn't let one failed marriage influence the decision to get remarried. It worked for me, it can work for others, but I was willing to work at it. If you're not willing to work at it, then why get married in the first place?

Excellent analysis.

[badger6]

I was married and now divorced. I don't encourage people to get married and definitely not remarried. Around half of all 1st marriages end in divorce, and the divorce percentages on the 2nd and subsequent marriages goes up. Having said that, I won't say that I'll never get remarried but I would have to be a pretty ideal situation. As far as I am concerned 2 people could live together just as easy. The marriage certificate and wedding is just an up front expense. And the divorce and lawyers are just an expense on the back end. Shit save the money and play house. Regardless, for me at least, I have learned that you will never be truly content. When your married sometimes you want to be single and when your single sometimes you want to be in a relationship. Some people can't handle being single or alone so they latch on to whoever they can and then the next thing you know they are on their 3-4 spouse. Everyone should live alone for at least 5 years before getting married.

[Pappy13]

As far as I am concerned 2 people could live together just as easy. The marriage certificate and wedding is just an up front expense. And the divorce and lawyers are just an expense on the back end. Shit save the money and play house.

Don't you get a pretty nice tax break for filing married jointly? Can you file as married jointly if you're not? Just the first thing off the top of my head that I thought of, I'm sure there are many other reasons to get married.

[StL FinFan]

^ Not to mention the mess if one of them passes on without a will, or gets seriously injured and they have to ask family what their wishes are.  If it were so easy just to live together, same sex couples would not be fighting for the right of a legal union.

[masterfins]

Don't you get a pretty nice tax break for filing married jointly? Can you file as married jointly if you're not? Just the first thing off the top of my head that I thought of, I'm sure there are many other reasons to get married.

Currently there is no big tax break for filing jointly, actually if you have a child there can be huge tax incentives NOT to be married at low and middle income levels.  As for other issues like inheritance, medical concerns, etc. in most states you can get the same benefits as married couples, it's just that it is not automatic, as if you were married.  If couples thought in advance and took care of the necessary legal paperwork they could have most of the same rights as a married couple.  That said, I'm in favor of marriage.